Shadeed Atif

WHO TAUGHT YOU ABOUT BEING A MAN?

Several Men, Women, Kids, T.V. friends, family, strangers, games, colors have even been used as factors which have contributed to the development of my manhood. All of these people, places and things put in their two cents towards social standards they thought ment being a man. No matter who thought they were teaching me to be a man, I can say humbly that I taught myself how to be ME. Looking back on my life and understanding at some point that I had to own my actions meant I had to be accountable and authentic in the way I interact with the world around me and that has been my biggest teacher; Accountability and Authenticity.

Born in the Deep South an American of the African Diaspora...........BLACK and proud, there are several lessons from society and community members that were conflicting. Family members telling me how to survive being a black man in America, while History, teachers, police(literally) all conveying another message silently asking me to assimilate to white/eurocentric capitalistic culture or suffer the consequences of being Black in America............These were tough lessons especially because all of this was happening by first grade and all I wanted to do was be a carefree child, that sadly was not an option. I bring this up because these are lessons in Unlearning limited ideas, beliefs, and systems that don’t align with constructive thought, growth and self exploration ALL have been vital teachers to my human development!

HEALTHY MANHOOD ISN'T A DESTINATION, IT'S A JOURNEY, WHAT IS SOMETHING YOU'VE LEARNED FROM YOUR JOURNEY THAT YOU WANT TO SHARE WITH OTHER MEN?

I have learned that WORDS are the most powerful tool at my disposal. Developing an emotional vocabulary to help me process emotions and experiences kept me striving to understand the world around me and the world of emotions and perception that filter my experiences here on the planet. I have read authors from around the world who have added to my inner voice and language I use to navigate the world in me and around me with peace and presence.

WHAT'S A DEFINING MOMENT OR TURNING POINT IN MY LIFE WHEN I BECAME A STRONGER MAN?

April 11 - September 25 2016 is when I took my first steps on the AT (Appalachian Trail) and completed 2,189 miles Thru hiking from Georgia to Maine. I lost over 85lbs on the trail, met a trail family who's forever in my life now, and learned lessons that restore my faith in humanity. Hiking backcountry with nothing but YOU and your gear to get you through taught me a thing or two about strength. Starting the trail at 255lbs I can tell you every part of my body and places I never knew could hurt.....HURT! I had never been awakened by my body cramping up and seizing in pain before this trail. The trail was physically brutal (at times) with elevation gains totaling the equivalent of doing Mt.Everest 11 times, still it was the mental game that truly pulled me to a new place in my life where I choose to see peace in all my situations and strive to see what unites US ALL, we are more alike than people realize and truly can lift one another up!

WHAT MAKES ME FEEL ENOUGH?

When I am loved I feel ENOUGH. Actually loving who I am and where I come from confirms that I AM ENOUGH. If I can sit with myself lovingly and be in the middle of nowhere that's when I know I'm enough and I actually truly like and love ME. The feeling of being enough has been challenging my whole life and a source of cognitive dissonance/confusion. I’ve been told to stay in a child’s place, called an OREO(black on the outside white on the inside), called boogie, told I TALK white, fat shamed, faced homophobia from family past friends and strangers on the street, and been call too many racial slurs to carry on my spirit. So yes, self love is what does it for me, paired with the ability to sit with myself in that loving space and authentically see what behaviors and ideas are working towards my growth and what no longer serves purpose in my life. It’s in these loving head spaces and places where I know I’m enough. 

WHAT MAKES ME FEEL SECURE AS A PERSON

Knowing that I'm always willing to learn and make mistakes helps me feel WAY more secure than anything else. A willingness to learn means that I have a chance to grow and develop from most of my interactions and growth can hurt at times yet for me it is always worth the effort put in. As my Dad says the journey of self discovery lasts a lifetime and I'm here for it!

HOW DO I SHOW RESPECT TO OTHERS?

By respecting myself..When I respect myself, I'm honoring my family, ancestors, and the world we live in. That means that I'm always actively listening to myself and the environment around me. The more I listen the more I may understand and show levels of respect specific to each individual and moment as they come.  

I FEEL LIKE A MAN WHEN?

I'm brave enough to express myself without fear or hesitation. For me this is when we own our nonbinary selves!

LIFE CAN BE OVERWHELMING HOW DO YOU STAY AFLOAT?

Honestly by letting myself understand that I may not stay afloat. I'm okay failing, sinking, whatever you want to call it, I just take the pressure all the way off and tell myself my struggles can become my success and that there's a lesson in EVERYTHING so sink, swim, fly for all I care just don't give up and keep your head up because moments change faster than we can imaging and sometime your healing is one moment away....keep going!

CAN YOU TALK ABOUT A TIME WHEN YOU FELT VULNERABLE?

Sure! Recently I've had a few friends pass away and I needed to grieve. I felt vulnerable because where I'm usually strong and able to carry on I was weak to my core, hurt, broken, and having trouble focusing on anything with importance, the world felt empty, scary, fragil, and so unfair. I was angry, unfocused and had a myriad of swirling emotions. I had to attempt to understand my own mortality while trying to find purpose and will to do anything of importance. I wasn't eating much of anything and couldn't imagine working and I did this for months until I was monetarily pushed to start working again and that was tough. Full transparency I'm still grieving and miss my friends everyday, it just feels different now, and I can think about them now and remember them with or without tears, though I think it's been a nice relief to cry and release these more intense emotions. I'm not sure where my grief will take me, still I'm going slow and asking for what I need so I can honor myself and the world around me!

Farimang Touray

Bio:

I am a born and raised Alaskan (shout out Anchorage) and currently work as a physical therapist. Growing up in Anchorage is one thing I will always be proud of, it really was where the foundation was built for myself and has helped shape me into the person I am today. It is easy to take for granted what you have been blessed with and through it all, I try to not forget where I come from and what helped me get to this point now. It is a journey, one that I am glad to be on and I am excited to see where it leads. When I am not working, I enjoy being outside, traveling, playing basketball, podcasting, writing and exploring what limits can be pushed.

Follow and support Farimang by following him on twitter and instagram at: @docmang

Now that you're older, what advice would you give yourself about being a man and what that means?

I would tell my younger self that you will have big responsibilities to upheld when it comes to being a man in regard to being a provider, being there for my family, being the rock. It is a big responsibility and you’re going to feel like you’re doing a horrible job but stay true to who you are. When people tell you that you are doing a great job, listen to them, don’t downplay it.

Healthy manhood isn’t a destination, it’s a journey. What is something you’ve learned from your journey that you want to share with other men?

Figure out what is important to you and keep the main thing the main thing. You build self-confidence by keeping the promises you make to yourself. So, if you deliver on the things that you find important, it will improve your self-esteem, people will notice your confidence and will attract the right people towards you.

What qualities do you think are important to model for young men?

I believe that it is important to demonstrate the skill of action, if you tell someone to do something, make sure that you don’t go ahead and do the opposite. You lose credibility if you don’t do what you say you are going to do. Another skill I believe should be modeled to young men is being able to communicate. Being able to communicate when you are in a heated situation, being able to process your emotions and understanding when to say something or if you’re too upset walking away and returning when you have cooled off. But don’t hold in your emotions, have a way to express them. If you let them build up, eventually you will erupt like a volcano and could cause more harm than good.

What does a genuine friendship look like?

Having someone that you trust with anything. They won’t tell you just what you want to hear, but what you need to hear. Someone that holds you accountable and you should be able to do the same. Friendships are a two-way street and what you expect from your friends, you should deliver the same expectations.

Who or What anchors you when times are hard?

Now it’s my wife, my family, and my close friends. People that I can go to with whatever I am going through something. They allow me to vent about what I am feeling, listen to whatever I am going through and offer advice when necessary. Understanding that eventually the hard times will pass but need my circle to help me get through. When I don’t want to talk, I head to the basketball court or weight room, just to go to my happy place and reset.

Life can be overwhelming. How do you stay afloat?

Take care of the physical with exercising, and basketball. Address the mental with journaling, having conversations with people close to me.

How do you express yourself and your emotions in healthy ways?

I think I have done a lot better job at not keeping my emotions bottled in, finding ways to channel them via conversations, journaling, exercising. Asking myself why I am feeling some type of way and trying to break down why that emotion came about and how I can tackle that emotion.

Are you the man you want to be?

I don’t know if I will ever be the man I want to be, always going to be a way to get a little better. It’s always a process, it’s about the journey not the destination. Every day I try to be a bit better, understanding that there will always be a new peak to climb, and going to be ups and downs along the way, but I strive to be the best I can be every day.

How do you show respect to others?

Listen to them, acknowledge their feelings, and meet them where they are at. I think my work as a physical therapist has allowed me to meet a lot of people in a lot of different situations. It’s important to show people you care about them, and they can see when you are actually invested in them and their improvement.

How do you show love to others?

Figure out how best they receive love and try to deliver that. Everyone is different and its important to take the time to get to know the person in front of you and how they operate.